Wednesday, June 20th, 2018

How To Be the Best At Anything You Want to Do

Published on December 13, 2011 by   ·   No Comments


I’m writing this while sitting in a hotel room. To my left is the Pacific Ocean and all the magical San Francisco fog stuff people kept whispering to me about. About 12 floors downstairs Claudia is doing yoga in the gym.

About four feet directly behind me is a woman that is a complete stranger to me who is having an unbelievably long orgasm. There’s a wall between us. Hold on a second while I take a glass and listen against the wall.

(sunset on the Pacific)

Now I hear nothing. Now I hear a toilet flush. Maybe they are finished. What I really want to do is eavesdrop on their conversation now. Do they rate themselves. I’m kind of assuming they just met. Its about 5:30am. So maybe they met last night, had sex, and now they just finished having morning sex.

So maybe now they are rating their performance or telling their life stories. Hold on a second while I check.

I had my ear on the wall for five minutes just now. I didn’t hear anything. Maybe they are asleep or maybe they immediately got up and went to breakfast. Mmm, bacon, pancakes, coffee, mimosas, croissants. Must…satisfy…all..cravings…by 7am.

What do they look like? Are they midgets? Three feet tall? You have to admit that would be a little funny. Don’t deny it. Even midgets would laugh at me saying this. Or elves. Whatever.

Maybe it’s someone famous. Maybe it was Lindsay Lohan. Hold on while I check my itunes library to see if anyone within the purvey of my hotel wifi is sharing all Lindsay Lohan’s masterpieces. Nevertheless, if there was no wall there then this whole thing would probably have been pretty awkward. I probably would not have been able to keep staring at the computer screen, for instance.

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